"June, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We often believe that we can't leave a relationship or a job that is abusive because of financial reasons. But often, when those financial reasons get resolved ------ we often still cannot leave.
We're often not used to looking behind the reasons that we tell ourselves are the real reasons, for holding on to people or situations-----or things. It's often not really "denial"----- it's not that deliberate.
It's often, instead, a not-seeing-it-at-all.

When any of us has grown up in a family where the parent(s) have alcoholism or other drug problems ----- during our formative first 6 years of life----- we develop survival tactics that teach us (subconsciously) to overlook and rationalize so much in our relationships.
So much of the God-given healing in 12-step programs results from telling God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs------- which is often our overlooking the truths about our old // inner reasons for so many of our choices in life.

"May, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

"When the alcoholic lies passed out, anesthetized, the family goes through the years of his drinking -- stark, raving sober. Their world is like no sane family's world. They believe lies, expect miracles, have him locked up, bail him out, with he were dead, and pray that he gets home safely." ------ from the introduction to the book, "Getting Them Sober, volume one"

"April, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. the alcoholic doesn't hear what the family SAYS -- he hears what the family DOES

b. the family often does not really 'take-in' -- i.e., internalize the PRIMARY importance of ---- what the alcoholic DOES about the important big issue (his alcoholism)------ the family, instead, focuses on/hear what he SAYS HE WILL DO about the surrounding side- show issues that FLOW FROM his basic alcoholism

c. the family's minimizing/denial ---- makes us OVERLOOK (side-step looking at) the active alcoholism ------ and instead, we LISTEN for what he SAYS (and what he SAYS he will DO) about all the surrounding-side-show issues

***** When the alcoholic gets AND STAYS sober----- ALMOST ALL those surrounding side-show issues will either disappear or diminish greatly (except if the alcoholic has serious other psychiatric issues-----but actually, only 10-15% or so, of alcoholics actually have other serious psychiatric issues. Alcoholics are often diagnosed as having those other serious psychiatric issues when they are still drinking----by health professionals who do not often realize that alcoholism often MIMICS major psychiatric issues.)

******* Without continuous-sobriety, it is almost impossible for those other side-show issues to be resolved. As Dr. Amen says in his public-television show, "change your brain//change your life"------ when he is pointing to a scan of a brain-damaged person that most often results from alcoholism or other drugs----"You can't do marital counseling with a brain like looks like that."

On the other hand------- when the alcoholic gets and STAYS sober for at least a year----- his brain scan looks sooo much better. The large craters/holes are beginning to be really smoothed out.

"March, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We think of interventions mainly for the active alcoholic// addict.......but what about the adult children who so desperately need help for their issues of growing up in alcoholic families----- and who do not have alcoholism themselves, but who are sitting ducks for marrying//getting involved with, alcoholics//addicts----or getting into other kinds of relationships that are frought with emotional pain?

Often, we intuitively know when we are in a position to help 'nudge' them towards getting help.

a. Sometimes....not always, but sometimes....... adult children of alcoholics will go for help (Al-Anon or ACOA meetings for adult children of alcoholics)if we offer to go to a meeting (or meetings) with them. Some people just can't go first by themselves. And even if they say that they want us to always go with them, they often, after a meeting or two or three------want to go afterwards to their own meetings.

It's usually a good idea to give them plenty of space after the meetings-----i.e., when someone comes up to talk with them, just kind of sidle away and talk to others on the other side of the room...... our family members often open up more to strangers when we are not within hearing distance.

b. Oftentimes, when I am counseling a family member by long-distance telephone, it helps them a lot when the person wants me to talk with one or two of their adult children, too. Adult children often will not 'want help'------but will talk with me on the phone to "help their parent(s)"----i.e., I ask them to "give me input to better help the parent".

(I usually approach it that way------"help me help your mom/dad"----- because ACOA's want to believe that "they're past all that stuff" -----and that they "are strong' and "don't really need the help". But----they love to feel 'in charge' and that I can 'count on them' to give input that will help. And they DO give good input, often. But they don't usually realize, at first, how much it helps them to finally say the deep stuff, buried within.

Then, of course, in the process of talking, the adult child sees that it is not at all threatening to talk ----- especially on the phone when I cannot see them------it gives a degree of anonymity.
They open up more, learn more about themselves than they ever expected to happen.....and creates a more understanding, compassionate bridge with the other non-addicted family members.

*** There are always exceptions, of course------ many ACOA's love to get help------love to be of help-------and understand how to receive help for themselves and understand why it is so important. But they are not the majority of ACOA'S. Most just want to believe that if they leave home------it is "over and done with and there are no more issues for THEM-------that they are 'PAST ALL THAT STUFF'". (of course, many become nurses and other helping professionals------- 75-80% of helping professionals are untreated ACOA's. The blind leading the blind.)

"February, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We're all trained ---by living with others' alcoholism-- to be so 'black and white' in our thinking..... rather than living more in the 'grey areas' of life.

For instance, when we have a pattern of, say, avoiding a particular task or event or person---- and when something comes up that says (legitimately) to "go there" or "be with that person"---------------and if, at the same time, we are not feeling well or have another important commitment for that time that must be attended to-------- others who know about our avoidance may 'come at us' and chide us for not showing up, yet again.

But we can act 'huffy' ------truly emphatically stating our need to keep our prior commitment........full well knowing that we secretly are happy that we cannot show up -----again-----at what we want to really avoid.

But this often 'bites us in the butt' when we really, underneath it all, know what we are doing........avoiding again. BUT------should this invite legitimate guilt?

What we are often, in these cases, not seeing is that everyone faces these dilemmas. And there are often times in life when we want to continue a certain avoidance behavior --------and if it, at times, intersects with a real need to avoid again------- it need not produce guilt for doing what we really should do, in that circumstance.

But it's good to still acknowledge the underlying issue(s) to another person and self and God------------ so that we can truly try to keep our plate clean.

And, that process does open the door a little more, to finding creative options in dealing with our old patterns that need some clearing up.

"January, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

One of the most difficult issues for the recovering alcoholic to deal with is 'ego deflation at depth'.
The problem often begins by the alcoholic not even seeing or understanding------- the profound damage that has been, and is, done to himself-----much less his family and others----- by the self-centeredness that is brought on and magnified for years, by the active alcoholism.
This ego-centricity has been hard-wired into the brain, and does not go away easily or swiftly.
It takes consistent great effort, for years, to lessen and rid oneself of it ------- and as the A.A. Big Book says, 'trying to do "God's Will often feels like bending forged steel".

Many recovering alcoholics can posture ... do a good job presenting themselves as if they 'have it down' clearly.
But the hard work is a quiet work ------ it requires digging very deeply...... really looking inside oneself at the nooks and crannies of life's daily activities -----and seeing where one puts one's own desire to feel 'puffed up' over the needs of the others in the family.

How to know if the self-centeredness is still going on?  How to know if the family's needs are still not being considered first?
Just look at the family's faces.

If one is sober for several years......and if the spouse is still looking pretty angry...... it's probably true that not much has changed in the alcoholic's behavior....... not much other than a "lot of talk about A.A. and how it's changed his life"....... not how it's changed his behavior towards others.

Dr. Tiebout (a psychiatrist and early friend of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the two co-founders of A.A.) was often called upon by them to talk about how exactly alcoholics could continue to stay sober.

Dr. Tiebout regularly talked about the need for the alcoholic to experience "ego deflation at depth"......and how if the alcoholic did not get rid of that self-centeredness, he was always in danger of drinking again.

So, in a profound way--------- learning how to consistently nurture the family------consistently thinking of how to put their emotional and comfort needs first--------i.e.,  learning how to INTERNALIZE the phrase that "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic" -------- is critical to ensure lasting sobriety for the alcoholic.